Letting Go of Control
tldr: A short reflection on what I’m learning about the liberating potential found in letting go of control. Along with one more invitation to join us in our four-week Imperfection Retreat starting February 9.
Also! This a sort of “soft launch” announcement of our new coaching page, rich with testimonials. Check it out! And do share with folks you know who are looking for this type of coaching.
Our quest to be productive. And our quest to be healthy. And our quest to be more mindful. Our quest to be good people, and get it right, and have a good system and get organized. All of it is rooted in a desire for control.
But these are good things! You say.
And I definitely agree.
Yet it is important to notice what is underneath our drive.
“The driving cultural force of that form of life we call ‘modern’ is the idea, the hope and desire, that we can make the world controllable.”
Hartmut Rosa
- Rosa says that things like:
The quest to dominate nature
Progress in medicine
The growth of military power
Digital connectivity
Air travel
Helicopter parenting
Dieting
All are motivated by the human need to feel more in control than before.
He does not deny that the quest for control has brought incalculable benefits.
But, it seems like the more people with whom we’re able to connect digitally, the worse the loneliness epidemic gets.
The more vigilance parents exert over their children’s comfort, the more anxious and uncomfortable they are.
In short, the more we try to render the world controllable, the more it eludes us; and the more daily life loses what Rosa calls its resonance, its capacity to touch, move and absorb us. (Oliver Burkeman, Day 19)
To us, control means safety, and safety is always better. Except that there are few things that can actually be controlled. And so we spend our lives anxious. Beating ourselves up. We feel like we are failing. Because we believe we can do something to get stability, predictability and safety. And that once we have them that we will finally have the life we want.
But what if these are not gettable?
What if our quest for control is bound to fail?
My friends and family will be amused. But I have only recently realized how committed I am to this quest for control.
I am in the early stages of a spiritual process that is specifically focused on letting go of control. A path that tells me that sanity and wakefulness become integrated into my life only when I let go of control. When I turn my life and my will over to a life force, a living presence, a higher power that is vastly greater than myself.
This process of “letting go” has not proved easy. They say you can see the claw marks left on the things we finally release.
Not easy.
But liberating.
And things like tending to my soul, and caring for my body, doing good work and bringing my attention to what matters most, start to happen more easily. They happen not because I have violently reined myself in. But because they are the good that wants to unfold. And I’m learning to turn myself over to this very natural process of unfoldment.
The quest for goodness is a huge part of it.
Over the last year I have learned so much about goodness. About my own efforts to “be good.” And how they’ve been driven by a hidden belief that I am not fundamentally and essentially good. And as long as being good is an effort, a project, a place to get to, it will remain something that you are not. And you will behave like you are not good. Because that’s what you actually believe. This is certainly what happened to me.
So now I’m learning. I’m learning the central lesson one of my teachers has been trying to teach me. That . That wholeness includes everything. And that my work is to know myself as whole. Radically whole.
Little by little I’m learning to let go of control. Learning that my quest for control will not make me safe. That it will not get me to some elusive steady future that always seems a bit out of reach. That it is in fact a quest without hope. No matter how much I meditate, exercise, eat well or work. There is no perfect ahead.
Coming to terms with this truth unlocks a well of aliveness within us. Burkeman says that it is awkward at first…
Yet beneath the awkwardness, there’s often almost immediately a strange new kind of satisfaction. You feel more engrossed in your experience, and like you’re exerting more influence over the world, even though you’ve achieved that by relaxing rather than intensifying your attempts to feel in control of it. Life certainly doesn’t become problem-free and, what’s more, you’re no longer so confident it ever will. But your problems start to feel more tractable and interesting, and often enough you find you can approach them with relish. (Day 22)
This is why I’m inviting you to join me in our four-week Imperfection Retreat. Because I am immersed in this learning. And I find it liberating. Opening. Unlocking. I have a long way to go. And I could use your company in it.
Starting February 9 we will read Oliver Burkeman’s daily contemplations from his moving book: Meditations for Mortals. (I wrote more about it here.) It will be my fourth time moving through them, so I will offer my own daily commentary. And hopefully, you will jump in with your reflections and experience too. That way we will create the right community and context for integrating these life changing lessons into our daily lives.
I can’t wait to see who will join me!