Shame Won’t Work

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There is an exciting boom in gatherings of men who want to relinquish patriarchy. But I am concerned by the central role that shame plays in the discourse.

You do not have to wallow in shame in order to take responsibility for your conditioning. You do not need to be so afraid of those parts of you that are a byproduct of your culture. Shame and fear are paralyzing. And no change can come from that.

Now, I have certainly done things I’m ashamed of. The worst things I’ve ever done have been soaked in patriarchy. I know what it is to bring shame to myself. And I know I’m not alone. But even here it is important to come to the distinction between guilt and shame.

Shame says: “I am wrong”

Guilt says: “I did something wrong”

You can’t move from a place that says something is fundamentally wrong with you. But guilt is something you can be held accountable for. It is something you can atone for. When we bring shame to ourselves, it is important to move from shame to guilt. And to take full responsibility for what we have done.

To indulge shame in this work of undoing patriarchy is to work directly against the possibility of conscious masculinity. Conscious masculinity demands a sense of worthiness. The development of self sovereignty. The capacity to bring yourself to coherence. It demands that you are strong and clear in yourself. So that you can interrupt patriarchy. And bring goodness upon the world.

Saludos,

Gibrán