Cuomo, #MeToo, and You

It is always easy at times like these to project all fault onto the avatar that falls. But it behooves us to consider how much of Cuomo is part of ourselves. I don’t think anyone on this list has accumulated anywhere near the amount of power that Cuomo must now do without. But #metoo is not only about tumbling avatars and our rituals of collective catharsis. #MeToo is about you and about me.

We launched this Better Men Project soon after #MeToo broke out. It is a project of atonement. An act of radical responsibility. It is important to note that the Governor of New York was advancing feminist public policy even as he was enacting patriarchy in his professional life. He is not the only one that stands divided.

How do we do the work of coming into full integrity with ourselves? 

One of the most contested parts of the Governor’s apology is: 

“In my mind, I’ve never crossed the line with anyone, but I didn’t realize the extent to which the line has been redrawn… There are generational and cultural shifts that I just didn’t fully appreciate.”

But the #MeToo Movement reminds us that:

“The rules have not changed -- sexual harassment was wrong 50 years ago and it is wrong today. Gov. Cuomo clinging to that excuse, and to that of “cultural differences” excusing unwanted touching, is inherently wrong. The difference between now and the past is that there were fewer paths to accountability then, and we now live in a time where there are more people willing to listen to and believe survivors.”

This is not a territory without landmines. But it does us right to bias ourselves towards the words of survivors. And to always, always be attentive to patterns of repeated behavior.

Many of us suffer from this “nobody told me it wasn’t ok” mindset. We know that we have failed our boys and men. And we know that it is our turn to step in, step up, and do our best to make things right. Not by burning avatars. But by doing the deep, necessary and real work of masculine transformation.

I like the way Gail Griffin put it on a letter to the New York Times, she asks:

“Who drew the line, any line, in the first place? Whom did the ’old rules’ serve? And, most important, do you actually believe that the women being harassed approved of those “rules” or enjoyed that treatment?”

She then declares:

“The final test of a man’s “good intentions” and respect for women might be whether or not he can identify enough with women to see how the “old rules” dehumanized, demoralized, terrified, hurt and damaged us. The soon-to-be former governor of New York just failed that test. In his own mind, he says, he “never crossed the line.”

My best advice: Get out of your own mind.

Let us keep learning to see what we have refused to see. 

Saludos,

Gibrán

PS Marlo Pedroso is launching the next round of Men’s Circle: Beyond Normal8-Weeks Towards Liberated Wholeness

PPS Go ahead and share this note with a friend who is ready to do the work. Encourage them to sign up here.