Tomorrow is a big day. And it will be partly informed by a struggle to define masculinity. Will it be the blustering macho caricature that sits in the White House today, or will it be something else?

I am so glad that we will be in each other’s company tonight. It is likely that we will have turmoil and uncertainty for weeks to come. (I would be very glad to be wrong about this!) It is a perfect time to be intentional about who we choose to be. A perfect time to practice what conscious masculinity looks like in times of turmoil

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Our next call is on Monday before the election. It is a perfect time to step away from the fray and bring our attention to who we are becoming. Not because of an election. But because of our purpose and intention. Our commitment to become better men.

I was struck by research on voting and the gender gap (Michael Sokolove opinion piece behind NY Times paywall). It seems that:

Women tend to cast votes based on what they perceive as the overall benefit to the nation and their communities. Men are more self-interested.

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Alica Garza’s book, “The Purpose of Power” will be released tomorrow. She is one of the founders of the Black Lives Matter movement. It is striking that just days before her book will be published, the excerpt that The Guardian chose to run is an excerpt on patriarchy.

It is short. And it invites deep self-reflection.

Alicia’s is one of those prophetic voices of our day. She is also more than her words. She brings a presence and a transmission that is medicine to our movements. It is a powerful feminine energy. She reminds us that: “We bring the things that shape us, consciously and unconsciously, everywhere we go.” For us that is patriarchy.

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There is a link between patriarchy and white supremacy. I am not saying that white people have a monopoly on patriarchy. But I am saying that patriarchy enables white supremacy. Listening to Davis we see how a specific perspective, a way of being supported by guns, germs and steel, became the force that now shapes the course of human history.

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I contend that the crisis of masculinity is connected to modernity’s break from our practices of initiation. Initiation is but one form of ceremony. But it has historically been the central way in which boys are welcomed into manhood. It is how we know we belong. It is how we learn of our responsibilities. It is how we connect to the cosmology of our lineage.

Initiation can be a healthy way to harness the sometimes dangerous masculine energy that starts to move through us as testosterone floods our bodies. Modernity robbed most of us of the ceremonial rituals that help to define manhood.

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I’ve been a bit quiet this past few weeks. It hasn’t been an easy time. And it will be good to be in your company tonight. The turn from summer to fall holds so much meaning in our culture. It is good to seize the energy of “getting to work,” “getting back to school,” “starting again” ideally refreshed.

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Let’s continue to look into how men relate to women with power. Last week we looked at the way Alexandria Ocasio Cortez was disrespected by her fellow Congressman, Representative Yoho. And the dignity of her response.

Kate Manne of the NY Times says that there is nothing radical about a woman vice president. She says that in our culture Women Can Have a Little Power, as a Treat.

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If you’ve already seen Alexandria Ocasio Cortez response to Rep. Yoho’s misogyny, go ahead and see it again. Her clarity, courage and exemplary dignity call all of us to a higher place. It brings me back to the question we asked some time ago, what would it look like for men to take a public stance against misogyny. Something like “Un Violador en tu Camino.”

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One of our friends sent me a link to the “Make Women Great Again” convention. The “mansplaining event of the century.” To be fair, we are both wondering if this is one of those brilliant left wing hoaxes that exposes the darker side of the right. But it looks pretty real to me.

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The construction of whiteness has anti-blackness at its very heart. So we need to distinguish between whiteness and the cultural tradition that is shared by white people (as well as by those who have come under centuries of white domination.) These are also thoroughly intertwined. It will be hard work to tease them apart. But there is something about the aspirations of western liberalism, about the conceptualization of rights, about the ideals of democracy, that are now as important as ever.

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I trust you had a powerful weekend. We had the Juneteenth of an Uprising. A New Moon. And eclipse. And the Solstice.

Our ancestors paid close attention to these cosmological events. It was a way to make sense of what is happening here on earth. There is wisdom in your body. Animal wisdom. Ancestral wisdom. It’s right there. Always there. Tune in. Place close attention.

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It is powerful to be alive in this moment of reckoning. Hope and exhilaration are fuel for this uprising. And let us also remember that grief is a part of it. The generational accumulation of grief and rage.

Last week Tuesday and I launched an online workshop titled “What Should White People Do?” tonight’s focus is on “Learning how to Hold.” How to hold yourself, how to hold others, how to withstand rage.

When I think of archetypal masculine energy (independent of gender) I think of the capacity to anchor and to hold.

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There is a rage burning through this country. And there is terrible heartache at its core. I am short of words today. Less coherent than I want to be. But I am glad I get to spend time with you tonight. It is important to turn to one another. To pray together. To hold each other. To reflect. And to take responsibility.

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There is an exciting boom in gatherings of men who want to relinquish patriarchy. But I am concerned by the central role that shame plays in the discourse.

You do not have to wallow in shame in order to take responsibility for your conditioning. You do not need to be so afraid of those parts of you that are a byproduct of your culture. Shame and fear are paralyzing. And no change can come from that.

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Conscious masculinity is about showing up consistently. It is about “providing” presence, care, clarity, courage, strength. But it is not about being perfect. It is about the journey there.

It is more important to measure ourselves against who we were yesterday than against who somebody else is. More important to gauge the steadiness of our own progress than to compare ourselves against our ultimate ideal.

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Myth is how we make meaning. Myth is our way to grapple with the fundamental human questions of “how and why.” How did we get here? And, why are we here? Modernity undermined myth. And post-modernity has left us adrift.

Myth. Ancestral stories. The archetypal pattern of the stories that resonate within us. These are keys to our quest towards conscious masculinity. Some of it needs to be updated. But much of it continues to hold fundamental truths.

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Accept what you can’t change. Clean Up. Share your thoughts and feelings. These are a few of the tips listed in the Survival Kit for Men Under Pressure. Grateful to Lawrence Barriner II for pointing to it in his newsletter.

The umbrella organization that put it together says that it is their job to support and accompany men:

“We know from experience that crisis situations increase the risk of losing control and becoming violent.”

That’s an intense statement. It is challenging to face the fact that many of us run the risk of becoming dangerous. But it is much better to face it. To accept the possibility. Particularly when we are under this sort of pressure. Because it is only then that we can take appropriate precautions.

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I have been concerned by thoughts of the women and children who are not safe in their own homes. We have reports of “global rise in domestic violence cases as Covid-19 lockdown turns into captivity for many women.” Futures Without Violence is one of a diversity of resources for those of us that want to help.

It can be too easy to consider the worst of cases. And not look at what we are doing. Patriarchy is insidious. It lives within us. And it is showing up. Right now. As many of us grapple with life during a pandemic.

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I have to redefine my relationship with a work identity that is all about bringing people together in the flesh. A lifestyle of constant travel is suddenly interrupted. I am sequestered at home with the woman that I am consciously uncoupling from. We are spending more time in close quarters than we ever did when we were trying to make our marriage work. And we are both spending a lot more time with our son.

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