Our call is tonight. Be reminded that even though we are slowly working our way through a shared text, we do welcome newcomers to any of our calls.
There is a wisdom that lives inside us. An inner knowing that becomes available when we are grounded, anchored in our authentic Self. We can cultivate trust in our own intuition and learn to be guided by the courageous wisdom that resides in our bodies.
Read MoreYou can’t engage men’s work without thinking about mansplaining. What is it about us that wants to act like a “know it all?” What is it that we are performing? What is it that we are trying project?
As we continue our study of “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover” we look into the archetype of the “Precocious Child.” The curious part of us. The part that is eager to learn and to generously share what we are learning. The part that may mature into a magician.
Read More“Turning towards” the thing. “Turning towards it.” Facing it. Seeing it. Looking at it with open eyes. This is a core practice of conscious masculinity. Whatever the thing may be. No matter how terrifying it is. It is better to look at it than to allow it to hide.
A hole in your marriage. An unhealthy pattern in relationships. An addiction. That problem in your work life that goes persistently unresolved. A lack of care for your body, health and vitality. A problematic relationship with porn.
A failure to aim high and become anchored in purpose.
A lack of engagement with the Great Mystery. A failure to contend with the ineffable and the divine.
Whatever it might be. Turn.Towards.It.
Read MoreMy most recent podcast is an interview of the movement artist, Favianna Rodriguez. Her response to the question “What Should Men Do?” is potent and piercing.
She invites us to move away from the culture of domination. She invites us into our embodied selves. And to commit ourselves to a culture of partnership. To participate in a culture of nourishing and giving life, supporting life and giving life.
Read MoreLooking forward to being with you tonight. Know that you are welcomed to join even if you have never participated in one of our calls. We are slowly making our way through “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.” But we structure our calls so that men can come in at any stage of our process.
Tonight we’ll bring our attention to the beginning of Chapter 3, “Boy Psychology.” Please read through page 26.
What are the ways in which you have successfully integrated the “boy” inside of you? How are you able to tap the playfulness, the open-mindedness, the readiness for adventure of that part of you?
Read MoreIf you are new to the Better Men Project, know that you are welcomed. You should join us. We are slowly making our way through “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.” But we structure our calls so that men can come in at any stage of our process.
On Monday, we will bring our attention to the beginning of Chapter 3, “Boy Psychology.” Please read through page 26.
Devote some time to honest self-reflection this week.
What are the ways in which you have successfully integrated the “boy” inside of you? How are you able to tap the playfulness, the open-mindedness, the readiness for adventure of that part of you?
And just as honestly, how do you still act like a boy where manhood is required?
Read MoreThe Better Men Project sets out to rescue masculinity. To find ways to embody a conscious masculine. To practice an alternative to toxic masculinity. Somewhere in this process is liberating ourselves from a cage that separates us from the so called “feminine” traits.
Read MoreTonight we dive into “Masculine Potentials” a very short chapter of “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover.” The authors invite us to consider how archetype and myth live within us. They invite us to open up to the wisdom and mystery of the collective unconscious.
I see the way certain stories seem to light up my son’s imagination. It seems clear to me that these archetypal stories are touching something deep within him. They allow him to imagine himself into being and becoming.
Can you recall your earliest intimations of a healthy masculine stirring within you?
What are the ways in which parents or other adults around you either met or failed to meet your masculine becoming?
Read MoreI was not planning to write about turkeys this morning. But I just had a funny encounter with a male turkey. There is a rafter of wild Turkeys that make their way about our neighborhood in Dorchester. One of the males just got his tail and waddle, and has become quite territorial.
Today as I drove into my street the Turkey decided to get territorial with my girlfriend’s minivan. It refused to get out of the way. I was many, many times bigger. But the Turkey did not seem to care. I backed off a bit, and the Turkey thought it was winning. So it kept coming at me. It was now forcing me to back up into a busier street. I backed off and it kept coming. The Turkey kept thinking it was achieving it’s goal! It was putting me in a real morning bind.
Thankfully there were no cars on the main street, and I was able to back up and speed up enough to move around the Turkey. “Males” I thought, shaking my head as I left him behind me.
Read MoreRebecca Traister who is the author of “Good and Mad: The Revolutionary Power of Women’s Anger.” published a piece on the allegations against Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York. Her perspective merits our attention. She is inviting us to see the connection between patriarchy, toxic workplaces and the desire for strongmen leaders.
Read MoreI’m looking forward to being with you tonight. We will bring our attention to Chapter 1 of “King, Magician, Warrior, Lover,” The Crisis of Masculine Ritual Process (not to the whole of Part 1).
It was my birthday yesterday. It has been an eventful year. I facilitated my last “in person” retreat last February in a remote corner of the Colombian Pacific Coast, a Solidarity Laboratory for AfroColombians. It was epic.
I make a living from bringing people together. The pandemic struck at the heart of my business model. It has been a year of adaptation.
My last time on an airplane was about a year ago this week, when we went to Puerto Rico to say our last goodbyes to my adored Abuelo.
My separation from my son’s mother entered it’s most difficult stage as we opened into last summer. Things are better now. But it has been quite a heart wrenching break.
I share all of this to make the point that it has been quite a year, for me, as for most of humanity. It has been challenging, but I have also been held by love. I am growing as a man. And I have been able to shift a lot of my work.
Read MoreBack in November, one of you sent me a link to an episode of “The Daily” NY Times Podcast. It is called “Man to Man.” I thought it important to share. It is a deep, honest and harrowing exploration of some of the worst aspects of toxic masculinity.
There is so much to heal and transform.
For years, Wil S. Hylton had been drawn to his cousin’s strength and violence. He was pulled in by the archetype that he embodied and was envious of the power he seemed to command.
Wil describes his relative’s violence as “ambient” and “endemic,” but he was sure it wouldn’t turn on him. Until a few years ago, when his cousin tried to kill him.
On today’s Sunday Read, listen to Wil’s wide-ranging exploration of masculinity — that of his cousin’s as well as his own.
“My attraction to my cousin and my detachment as a husband both reside in the pantheon of male tropes,” he wrote. “Masculinity is a religion. It’s a compendium of saints: the vaunted patriarch, the taciturn cowboy, the errant knight, the reluctant hero, the gentle giant and omniscient father.”
Read MoreWe just celebrated Valentine’s Day. I trust you found a way to show up well. It’s a good week to remind us that we are the sort of men that say “I love you” to our male friends.
What if we take this week to practice? To do it with more intention. Instead of making it a quick replacement for “good bye,” we take an honest pause, and we say it like we mean it.
Read MoreThe journey begins tonight. We are devoting 2021 to an in depth study of King, Warrior, Magician Lover. And we are going to go step by step. We start with the introduction. Which itself makes all sort of important assertions.
Assertions about ritual, about initiation, about what has been lost and most be regained. Assertions about masculinity, femininity and what constitutes a healthy relationship to the feminine. We don’t have to agree with all of it. But it will be good to engage it.
I just finished watching “The Last Dance,” the documentary miniseries about Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls. I highly recommend it. It is beautifully inspiring. And it does a good job of showing the light and the shadow side of the competitive drive.
Michael Jordan is this bigger than life figure. This living idol that could deliver magic over and over again. There is a point at which he is referred to as the “alpha of alphas,” and we know how ugly that can get.
But it is almost in passing that they talk about his relationship with his security team. The first couple of times I saw them I thought to myself: those guys don’t look too tough! In fact, they are pretty old. They of course had deep experience and training. But what was moving was when they spoke about how good it was for Mike that they were elders…
Read MoreThere is something about conscious masculinity that evokes being a man of character. In my facilitation work I like to remind participants that our personality is like our nose. We are born with personality traits. Any parent among us knows that to be true.
There is not much we can do to change our personality. What matters is our character. The clarity and integrity with which we show up. How trustworthy we are. How grounded and courageous. Compassionate. Generous. In service.
Read MoreTonight we’ll focus on honing our intention to become better men in 2021. Please come to the call ready to answer the question:
How will you be a better man in 2021?
What is your intention? Your resolution? What will be your practice? How will you find support and accountability? How will others speak of your conscious masculinity by this time next year?
Read MoreDo you know men who are interested in nurturing a more conscious masculinity? Invite them to be part of The Better Men Project. We are trying something new in 2021.
The Better Men Project is a heart project. It is a work of atonement for my own sins of patriarchy. It launched about two years ago. We have a monthly call, which is pure medicine. But most participants sign up just to receive weekly reflections on this effort to become better men.
Next year we are going to work through the Jungian classic “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine” by Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette. The book is 30 years old. It is a dated text. We are going to dig in, learn what there is to learn, and seek ways to update what needs to be updated for our practice.
Brené says that a wild heart can straddle the tension of staying awake to the struggle, to what is challenging, to the work of justice. While also cultivating its own moments of joy.
She asks whether we are willing to show up and be seen when we can’t control the outcome? Because that is true vulnerability. And we know that we have been conditioned into a cultural masculinity that is terrified of being vulnerable.
However, to brave the wilderness we must dare to stand alone, brave criticism, fear and hurt. Not because we are called to be the lone wolf. But because truth will often demand courage. Because this is what it means to stand for change.
Read MoreI think of “holding” and “grounding” as core capacities of conscious masculinity. On our last call. Before election day. When we had no idea what the outcome would be. And many of us were concerned about civil unrest. We spent time preparing to show up as conscious men during times of uncertainty.
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